Carlitos' Way 2 ...

"He has been found!"... Christ lives, in West Virginia!

2005-05-12T17:15:00.000-07:00

Yes, He has been found and He's not happy. Apparently, Jesus Christ has been spotted in W.V. amidst some legal problems. Click here for the story. Here's a taste:

Described by his attorney as a white-haired businessman in his mid-50s, Christ is moving to West Virginia to enjoy a slower lifestyle. He bought property near Lost River, about 100 miles west of Washington, and has a U.S. passport, Social Security card and Washington driver's license bearing the name Jesus Christ.

Apparently "they" are not cutting the Savior a break, and are harassing Him as to His true identity. Here we go all over again! The Son of God, however, is not talking to the press, considering how much trouble His previous "defenses" have gotten Him into:

"Christ is not speaking to the press at this time," Pishevar said.

My question is why Christ would want to move to the States, let alone West Virginia. He has so many followers in cooler places, like Brazil, where He could hang out in Rio as "Cristos" -- a new, up-and-coming soccer stud. Or Europe, particularly around the Mediterranean during the summer -- plenty of topless Mary Magdalenes to go around. Personally, I think he's planning a Manchurian Candidate for President Bush. "W" thinks he's representing, but I think JC has got plans for his motherfuckin' ass!

Can't we just leave Him alone in West Virginia? "I can see my house from here!"

A tribute to Andrew McCarthy, 80's actor extraordinaire

2005-05-09T16:00:00.000-07:00

I had the PLEASURE of watching Less Than Zero on television this past weekend. I had seen it as a kid, but the re-viewing was inexplicably better! I understand so much more now! The acting is awesome like a first time heroin hit -- yea, you might throw up, but it's heroin! The viewing experience resembles a 2 hour MTV video 80s rockumentary, with many of our favorite actors/actresses from this golden age of cinema, like Jami Gertz, Robert Downey Jr. and James Spader. Gertz is rather annoying and over-enthusiastically horny throughout the film as "Blair." Spader, on the other hand, plays a great villain ("Rip" -- yea, that's right, "Rip" as in "I'll Rip you a new asshole" or "Rip says rest in peace"). He deals coke, dresses badly, is smug like he assed/mouthed your mom and knows you know, and will pimp you to his gay friends (everyone seems to be gay or potentially gay in this movie, whereas in the novel I think they are all passively or indifferently bi) at the slightest sign of weakness or inability to pay debt.

"Look at me! Does it look like Rip is fuckin' joking?"

Downey Jr. really steals the show, however, as Julian Wells, the junkie friend who can't hold his shit together. He goes from an annoying Ferris Bueller on coke to a pathetic "paying off my expensive hobby by sucking-off (fellatio for you college types) Rip's friends and associates." The best part about his character is that he's constantly throwing up (and you thought gagging after a couple of lines was bad) and seems to have a herpes flare up halfway through the film. There is this white lump of God-knows-what on the corner of his mouth for a good 60 minutes. Good stuff!

"Kiss me, I have a drug problem." Jr. at the film's premier.

And later, after the party... "Please don't look at me! Don't look at my shirt!"

His character, of course, inspired other teenagers of the 80s to aspire to the same cool, aloof, too hip to be healthy, too rich to be sad mentality. Just have a good time, even if you force it and go broke -- you're only young once! And when you look this cool, why, even Robert Smith would bow down.

The fashionable cocaine look that inspired millions of MTV kids.

But, as you may well infer from the title of this post, this whole thing is not about the aforementioned actors, actresses, or film plots. This is about Andrew McCarthy, perhaps the best actor among the "Brat Pack" in the 80s. I mean, he had many leading roles (there was just no character for him in the "Breakfast Club" or else he'd nailed that too), and was paired up with Rob Lowe on more than one occasion ("Class" and "St. Elmo's Fire"), which you know means you're doing ok as an actor in the 80s.

Filmed in Technicolor. Is this fuckin' picture 80s enough for you?

"Have you seen my career? I think I lost it down here somewhere."

What intrigues me about McCarthy is that he played the more complicated roles, always cast as "the writer" ("St. Elmo's Fire") or "poor, smart kid who is a virgin" ("Class") or "rich alternative kid who understands people" ("Pretty in Pink"). This is because of his range and depth as an actor. Who else could have pulled off "Kansas"and "Fresh Horses" in one year (1988)? Not Rob Lowe, that's who!

But then the fuckin' 90s came, with its rap music and marijuana, Cypress Hill bullshit! And Andrew's career took a turn for the worst. Yea, maybe to 80s closed with a bang, "Weekend at Bernie's" (1989) being a huge success and all. But the fame was short lived. The 90s began with "Jours tranquilles à Clichy," a film about Henry Miller in Paris, followed by "Dr. M," both directed by Claude Chabrol. It was all downhill from there. I think Chabrol's artsy, fartsy French movie crap ruined our poor American McCarthy. He never bounced back. Not even John Frankenheimer's American directing in "Year of the Gun" helped Andrew snap out of it. A year later (1992), he was doing tv, and British tv at that. It was over. I mean, even the fuckin' American Photo Library lists McCarthy as "James Spader" in almost every "Less Than Zero" photo! Take a look for yourself!

Which started me thinking: who is the current "Andrew McCarthy"? My vote goes to Mathew Perry, who can brag about such hits as "The Whole Nine Yards" (2000 -- you know you're in trouble when you're doing comedies with Bruce Willis of "Hudson Hawk") and the ever-cute "Fools Rush In" (1997), which portrays all Latinas as ho's for white, dorky guys. Somethings are just true blue, I guess. Does that mean Latinos are automatic with dorky, white chicks? What racial physics underlie "Fools Rush In"? "I need to know..."

Do you see me making a comeback? I didn't think so, "friend."

Which are you?

2005-05-04T00:48:00.000-07:00

Warning: Vulgar, sexist, slangish post!

Throughout the years, slang has objectified certain body parts to express personality traits. Though there are terms for both genders, unfortunately women -- as with mostly everything else -- get the short end of the stick. Hmm. Anyway, I started thinking: what slang term best describes me? Am I a pussy? A cunt? An asshole, or a dick? I'm still asking people to find out (you may leave a comment with a suggestion, if you so desire), but below are four definitions, with examples, that may help you decide "which are you."

(Note: the definitions are from the dictionary -- no, not the OED, you prick, "dictionary.com"... "prick," now there's a possibility, but I'll save that for the "Scrabble Fuckfest" post.)

#1. -- Pussy

An all-time American classic, pussy is most commonly heard among young males who enjoy demeaning each other's sexual prowess and/or courage (i.e. "balls" -- wow, there are so many of these!). The definition is as follows:

1. Informal. A cat. (Yeah, ok, duh.)

2. Botany. A fuzzy catkin, especially of the pussy willow. (i.e., "What a beautiful, blooming pussy you have in the front yard.")

3. Vulgar Slang.
a. The vulva. (i.e., "I want some pussy?")
b. Sexual intercourse with a woman. (i.e., "I want some pussy!")

4. Offensive Slang. Used as a disparaging term for a woman. (i.e., "She's a pussy!")

5. Slang. A man regarded as weak, timid, or unmanly. (i.e., "He's a pussy!")

Now I've heard of the cat, and have no clue about the "catkin." Definition #3 seems at odds with itself somehow, and 4 & 5 are basically the same thing -- both are disparaging, no? If you settled on this one it's because you're such a pussy you're afraid to read on.

#2. -- Cunt

One of my personal favorites. I've always associated this with British gangsters, like in Snatch. In such worlds, everybody is a cunt. In the States, it's somehow considered "hard." To call someone a cunt is to cross some kind of line, as Larry David found out, twice. On to the definition:

1. The female genital organs. (Ok already, I know!)

2. Sexual intercourse with a woman. (i.e., "I'm getting me some cunt tonight!")

3.
a. Offensive. Used as a disparaging term for a woman. (i.e., "You're such a cunt!")
b. Used as a disparaging term for a person one dislikes or finds extremely disagreeable. (i.e., "You're such a cunt!")

Again, I think the two definitions given for #3 are basically the same thing -- a gendered, genderless insult. The first is fairly obvious, whereas #2 has me confused as hell -- I've never heard anyone say that they're out looking for cunt. It's just way too hard, beyond Compton and that crazy motherfucker called IceCube. Next!

#3. -- Asshole

Ah, the universal favorite. The one everybody has! I hear this one everywhere. Everyone around the world has a version of this classic. You're such an asshole -- how many times haven't you heard it? Well, if you ever wondered exactly what it means, here 'tis:

1. The anus. (Enough.)

2. A thoroughly contemptible, detestable person. (i.e., "George W. Bush is the President of the United States.")

3. The most miserable or undesirable place in a particular area. (i.e., "I live in the asshole of the world, but plan on moving uptown to a reasonably priced armpit.")

Well, these seem straightforward enough, let's move on.

#4. -- Dick

Perhaps one of the most confusing insults for non-native English speakers. I know I was confused as a kid growing up as to why and how someone's name could result in an insult. Ugly names are one thing, but "Dick" is so casual yet dignified that it bewildered me. I mean, you don't say "You're such a carlos, John" -- though my friends have tried and succeeded in certain contexts. Anyway, this one has the most definitions, so onward and upward with "dick" (no, wait...):

Nouns:

1. A detective. (Ha! This one is not so anatomically obvious, huh dick?")

2. Chiefly British. A fellow; a guy. (WTF?! My dad is just a normal, regular, old dick? Brits rule!)

3. Vulgar. A penis. (Ok goddammit! They're not my definitions!)

4. Vulgar. A person, especially a man, regarded as mean or contemptible. (i.e., "You're such a dick for making fun of me and my blog!")

Verbs:

1. To take advantage of; cheat. (i.e., "My boss dicked me extra hours.")

2. To have sexual intercourse with. (i.e., "I want to dick you so badly!")

3. To spend time idly; fool around; often used with 'around'. (i.e., "Stop dicking around on the blog and get to work!")

4. To be sexually promiscuous. (i.e., "She dicks around at weddings and baptisms.")

5. To botch or bungle, usually used with 'up'. (i.e., "I have dicked up my entire life.")

Fuck you, I'm too dizzy from all that "dick" typing to comment... but I must admit that the whole British "guy/fellow" thing is weird... it'd be so easy to misunderstand and "call someone out" over that expression... and to think they're only saying "Hi guy" when they state "Hey dick!"... truly, the Brits are way over our heads in sophistication.

So there you have it. Hope this has helped you decide which body part, and term, best describes you. And of course there are other, "cousin" words, like bitch -- "You're my bitch for reading this, or I'm your bitch for typing it, but I wouldn't bitch about that to you." And whore, as in "We're all a bunch of internet whores turning tricks, waiting for our next virtual fix."

Next time, leave the pizza and take the pot...

2005-05-03T18:35:00.000-07:00

By now, you might have heard or read the story of Atif Yasin, a 22-year-old Minnesota State University Moorhead student. He, as so many students today, works a part-time job to make ends meet. He delivers pizzas. As if the midnight shift wasn't bad enough, he was assaulted this past weekend by a man who, discovering he had no money, offered to pay with marijuana. Atif refused, was punched in the face, and called the cops. Dude was arrested.

Now, my point is that the mj must have been really low-grade shit for a college student, who delivers pizzas at midnight, to refuse. I mean, in my hood, a 20 bag for a $10 pizza means you're doing alright. Shit, you could "flip" that and double down. Word.

Atif, however, passed... makes me wonder, does he only hit the chronic/hash, shoot up, tweek, spin, or what? What's up with the kids today? Please don't tell me Atif is a sign of the times... where is Jeff Spicoli of Ridgemont High?

Where are you Jeff? You have 21 grams of what?

But the fact that a recent study shows that the "war on drugs" targets mainly marijuana (over 40%), and those that "possess" at that, it seems that Atif made the right choice. He is, after all, very close to Minnesota, where the prison population has increased 13.2% in 12 months. And let us not forget that small crimes have big consequences in Fargo...

"I'm lovin' it?"... Say it with an accent, Ronaldo!

2005-05-01T17:33:00.000-07:00

So McDonalds has this new "ethnic" marketing campaign that appeals to "others" like me... don't think so. I know that they have been targeting African-Americans for some time now, but recent commercials lead me to believe that McDonalds is after the entire 3rd world, not just Africa. I think they also want South America and the Pacific Rim countries.

I mean, check the most recent "I'm Mexican and dream of Aztec warrior games and Aztec chicks" spot on TV. It's disgusting! As if that dork with the Chicken Strips in the office wasn't bad enough, now I have to deal with this "Amores Perros" Mexican-Aztec shit!

Most of this has to do with conspiracies we don't know about, behind the scenes corporate crap, like McDonalds marketing the Mexican singer Alejandro Fernandez (who, coincidentally, looks a lot like the kid in the commercial). These commercials, I guess, make McDonalds look more sympathetic towards the Hispanic community -- they understand us, know our culture, our music, our history, our customs and our pain. They care about Mexicans, and the rest of the "others," like Asians.

Considering the website that McDonalds has specifically constructed to target the Asian community, something tells me they like "them" more than they like "us." We get no website, just corporate sponsorship for some idiot living off his father's fame. What up with that? McDonalds blows!

Ronald? Mom? Never again! No more "Happy Meals" for you!

But, again, this got me thinking... maybe what McDonalds lacks is not so much a clue as good corporate guidance. So, in an effort to aid their quest to conquer the 3rd world (since they own Europe and North America), I humbly offer the following two "ethnic marketing alternatives" to better inform Ronald and the gang as to how to appeal to the "other."

Hot ethnic chick!

#1 -- Get hot chicks! Hot chicks help sell anything, from beer to gum to guns. But an axe-wielding hot chick from the past? Gold! If you "ethnify" the woman, even better. The example above is a good demonstration of what I'm talking about. There is a hot chick, yes, with axes, no doubt, but notice the subtle details. We have a slightly revealing yet ethnically dignified top that goes nicely with the "do I have a tan ass?" feather-skirt. The boots need no commentary, except that they are available in black and snakeskin. The headgear, notice, matches the optional armwear accessories. In addition to the pictured "Inca Indigo," there are also various other color combinations available, such as the classic "Orange U Glad Ur Azteca" and "Mayan Mellow Yellow."

The background is also crucial. This is where you tap into the "collective ethnic unconscious" (because we, unlike white folk, are very susceptible to regressive fantasies about "the good old days"). Notice the somber, almost foreboding architectural structures in the back, both suggesting a "don't fuck with our gods or we'll sacrifice you" type of indigenous mysticism. She is also symbolically standing on something resembling the Aztec calendar, indicating that she knows "what time it is"... Mac-Attack time!

This is a REAL Big Mac... yum!

#2 -- Get Ronaldo! Because soccer rules in the 3rd world! I mean, even terrorists have had a hard time convincing young, desperate men to blow up a soccer stadium. Why? Because soccer is like a universal religion outside North America and Australia. So, if McDonalds wants to appeal to an ethnic audience, why not play on Ronald McDonald's name and change it to "Ronaldo McDonaldo," and feature a TV spot with the burger-clown playing soccer with the Brazilian superstar. Maybe they could even have a "penalty shoot out," with Ronald as goalie and Ronaldo kicking for the "last fry." Or they could head the ball back and forth as they ate fries and giggled. It'll be fun!

Ronaldo... a McDonalds commercial waiting to happen?

But regardless of whether my advice is heard or not, I will continue to eat at McDonalds as a way of getting in touch with my Mexican heritage. Forget all that "Mexican food" I hear about... I'm a fry kind of guy! And I don't want to hear any crap about nutrition either! People eat this shit everyday, all their lives, and they look great! So fuck off Mary Poppins!

Can you be "lovin' it" too much? Where are the parents?

I don't think I love you... I mean, "Help! I've been abducted!"

2005-04-30T13:41:00.000-07:00

Jennifer Wilbanks, a runaway bride and dumb ass. Or is she?

You've probably heard the news story about the runaway bride from Georgia who freaked out and split town, leaving clues behind to lead everyone to believe that she had been abducted. Searchers found clumps of hair, a knife, pieces of clothing, etc. She had watched plenty of CSI, obviously. But she did leave behind her keys, her cell phone and her engagement ring. What a fucking b.! And a stupid one at that! Even worse is the fact that the American public, desperate for another O.J. or Scott Peterson drama, went ape-shit over the possibility of "foul play." Well, sorry. No blood, no obsession, no crazy ex-lover, no "Silence of the Lambs." Just her and her dumb, selfish ass (to paraphrase Ryan Kelly below). This chick freaked out at the size of her ridiculous wedding, and at the fact that she may not dig this dude as much as she thought she did. Period.

Ryan Kelly, owner of the Park Cafe a few blocks from Wilbanks' house, which gave out coffee and sandwiches to searchers, said he was glad Wilbanks was alive and healthy.

"But that being said, this is one of the most selfish and self-centered acts I've ever seen. We saw her parents, and you could see the anguish in their eyes. It was terrible," he said.

But this pisses me off because it's always the "man" in the situation that gets suspected first, out of some "L.A. Law" drama-dependency this country has. You can tell from several news stories and some threads that this is where this thing was headed. His lie detector test (I hate the very concept of this thing), for example, was suspect because, even though he passed it, it was "privately administered." WTF? So I'm guilty? Or at least suspect because I voluntarily take this test?

"And the people! Oh the people" (to quote Sybil)! People did freak! Prayers were mobilized... CNN was called in... Stupid b.! You don't waste CNN's time!... I mean, America's Amber Alert was alerted, for Pete's sake! And the prayers... well, since you lied and wasted God's time with this, Kirk Cameron can explain to you what you need to do...

But, again, this got me thinking... She was upset when discovered, and said she needed time alone... maybe she is just misunderstood, and John, her man, doesn't "get" her more complicated side... I mean, look at her big, bird eyes and tell me she isn't a deep soul... or something else...

Look at my big, bird eyes and tell me I'm not deep.

She rode a Greyhound for hundreds of miles, for crying out loud! Have you ever done that? That MAKES you deep! The smells, the looks, the textures, the sex! Greyhound cross-country trips rock! Most people are just too shallow or economically well-off to know this. Not me -- my brown ass Greyhounded all the way to Mexico City, so I know how deep the experience can get. You don't know travel if you don't know Greyhound. And since Jenny, or Jen as her friends call her, knows this, she's deep, and if she's deep, then John's the problem, not her. He probably demanded an overdone wedding and forced her to play her subtle hand. I mean, hundreds of guests, 14 bridesmaids and 14 groomsmen?!? WTF?! That would make me want to visit New Mexico also... and isn't that the place where most "alien abduction" stories take place?... are we sure this is the REAL Jennifer Wilbanks... I wonder...

This is not kung-fu... but then again....

2005-04-29T19:28:00.000-07:00

Notable Kung-fu master, Pai Mei.

When Gay Robot (s.c.) sent me this link, I thought that it somehow related to kung-fu (I dig kung-fu). Then I clicked the link. The Way of the Master is not kung fu. It's Kirk Cameron's (Mike Seaver of Growing Pains) inspirational Christian message to those of us that live our lives on the edge of God's Big Sword. I must admit that, at first, I was impressed. The website begins like a RPG, where you are the lost soul trying to avoid Hell, and Kirk is your spiritual guide through the Valley of Evil that is postmodern America. Their logo looks like an alternative cover to "The Da Vinci Code," and the sound effects are definitely targeted to gamers and American football fans (especially Fox fans). I regressed to my Catholic upbringing and clicked on "Yes" (I'm a Christian).

But then the site got scary. Kirk wouldn't stop talking to me about salvation and Hell, about how I break God's law, which makes me a sinner, and how God, being a good judge (?), is going to make sure I pay for my transgression by sending my ass to Hell or the core of the Earth! And if that's not bad enough, Kirk's telling me that most of the people I love -- even the little "childrens" that I have cared for as a selfless, giving teacher -- are also going to burn in Hell for breaking God's law. And Kirk is clear about the "illusion" of a compassionate, sympathetic God -- there is none baby! He gave us Jesus, and that's that! Enough! You always want more, but it's not going to happen. Without Jesus, you're burning! That's right, even your 3 month old niece, who can't stop coveting and lusting after everyone and everything, who idolizes every bright, shiny light or twinkling sound more than the Creator Himself, is going to burn slowly and painfully. The acid will burn her little eyes, only to be replaced (forever) so she can experience the agony afresh each and every time. Hell I say!

But all is not lost. Kirk is here to help. For only $59.00 you can get The Way of the Master Foundation Course, which won't show you how to do an effective tiger-tail kick or demonstrate the mechanics of a proper preying-mantis stance, but it will put you on a beginning journey towards salvation from Hell. As Kirk explains,"You don'’t have to be an expert in apologetics and you don'’t need to know Greek. Just let love swallow your fears and follow in the footsteps of Jesus." My love has a hard time swallowing, but...

This got me thinking -- maybe this is a form of kung-fu. I mean, having attained a black belt in Shaolin Kung Fu (that's right, punk), I've been taught that 'kung fu" actually has nothing to do with the martial arts. It is simply an achievement of the ultimate excellence. Thus, you can have good "kung-fu" in regards to cooking or gardening -- it just means you're putting supreme effort that yields excellent results. So when martial artists have good "kung-fu," it just means that they are excellent at kicking ass.

So I figured, maybe Kirk IS a type of Kung-fu master.

Kirk Cameron, possible Kung-fu master.

I mean, perhaps spreading his version of "the word" is where his supreme effort lies, thus resulting in the highest achievement. If acting didn't work out (he did do the "Left Behind" movie series, but I consider that more of a hobby than acting), then maybe playing Pastor will. We're (or at least, I am) talking about him again. I even have my "Growing Pains" Trapper-Keeper out right now! It really is inspirational and mind-numbing all at once!

Even so, though, I'm not completely sure... I mean, I certainly feel something when I look at Kirk, and I'm not sure if that's good energy or not, but I know I'm soaring! But is this bad? Is this lust or idolatry? Am I putting Kirk before God, since when I think of God I now automatically think of Kirk? It's very confusing...

Kirk, remorseful, after having watched the entire first season of "Growing Pains."

That's why I recommend the Way of the Master. It helps with the confusion (but not the headaches or insomnia). So don't be afraid to confess that you think of lunch sometimes before you think of God... Or that you want to save your wife and mom from Hell because you know for certain they're burning... Or that you know some Christians who aren't saved yet think they are (Kirk shares a good and relevant joke about Osama Bin Laden in that link option).

Just because you try to help people, recycle your trash, educate the uneducated, care for the uncared-for, give to the have-nots, and attempt to make this a better, safer, more peaceful world for ALL living things doesn't mean shit! You ain't saved unless Kirk says so, and you ain't good if you're homeless in God's hood, homie! So go kick some secular ass and pray!

This kung-fu master burns in Hell at this very moment!

Angry Fry Guy

2005-04-27T19:51:00.000-07:00

Which picture do you think best represents the angry fry guy? In his defense, this did happen on New Year's day, which would also piss me off. I mean, it's the first day of a new year, and this is how you treat me? What happened to the American work ethic? Where are Weber's protestants?

Man pleads guilty in french fries rage

April 26, 2005 (DuBOIS, Pa.) A Burger King customer who berated the employees when a drive-thru clerk told him the restaurant was out of french fries has been convicted of multiple charges and sentenced to 45 days in jail.

Authorities said Gregg Luttman made an obscene gesture at the clerk, cursed staffers and nearly hit an employee with his truck. When police tried to arrest him, Luttman allegedly scuffled with an officer and kicked out the back window of a cruiser.

Luttman pleaded guilty to assault, resisting arrest, institutional vandalism and other charges stemming from the confrontation on New Year's Day.

Besides jail time, Luttman last week was fined $150 and ordered to serve two years' probation.

The Suspects:

#1 -- Angry soon-to-be frat guy.

#2 -- Wanna be angry wimp.

#3 -- Office, "Fight Club" dork... "I don't have benefits, and I'm pissed."

#4 -- Blood-sucking, angry European gentleman. He's 500 years old.

#5 -- Angry 80s dude who hates linear time.

#6 -- The real Travis Bickle... at a Jamaican rally.

#7 -- Michael Moore.

#8 -- Howard Dean.

#9 -- John Stamos.

#10 -- Angry Vijay.

Oh, these silly kids today!

2005-04-27T02:20:00.000-07:00

"Lactating Barbie? What the fuck is wrong with you?
Snap out of it and kill the kid while you still
can!" Mun Mun, age 13, Singapore

Wow!... kill the kid? 13? I dug Indiana Jones at 13...

...wow.

"Movies for guys who"... Seriously though, I love the 80s!

2005-04-26T23:59:00.000-07:00

So maybe Rambo: First Blood isn't among my favorite films. This, however, didn't dissuade me from checking out the "Ultimate Edition" with "alternate suicide ending" (I see there is a super "ultimate edition 3-disk collector's set"... I feel ripped off). Turns out the extra 5 minutes of combined "deleted scene" and "alternate ending" were well worth it. First the deleted "Saigon Bar Flashback." Here, as John Rambo sits in a cave eating boar (what a bad ass... I'd eat boar if I had to... I would!), he has a flashback to better days in Saigon, where he'd frequent bars for "ass" (Special Forces stuff). Anyway, the scene then encounters very uncomfortable, low-budget editing as the 1980s Reaganmania...

I still rule!

... gives way to a 70s flashback that foreshadows the arrival of Boogie Nights!...

"Do I look like Han Solo?"

... We see a bar with Asian hookers-dancers-strippers-waitresses-bartenders.. they all manage to look straight into the camera (which I figured is purposeful, because we are supposed to be John Rambo looking at them, noticing how they can't get enough of our hot flesh and Yankee ways). Sporting a mustache (it was a tough war), he manages to hook up with the hottest hooker in the bar. They dance romantically in the center of the floor, with a shiny "Schlitz" sign in the back. We then see her taking off her clothes in what seems to be a back room to the same sleazy bar, where a porno looking Stallone awaits. They do the deed (I guess), which ends the flashback. We see Johnny back in the cave, and he starts to cry. Fuckin genius! Beautiful!

The alternate ending is good, but not as great as I expected. It seems half-hearted throughout, as if they knew they weren't "going there," that America was not ready for the whole truth about Rambo (a shame really... it would have spared us the sequels). Johnny basically asks the Colonel to shoot him. He doesn't want "them" to do it, so he asks the man who "made him" to assist his suicide. The Colonel, being a pansy, can't so John pulls the trigger while the Colonel still holds the gun, thus offing himself. One bullet to the midsection, and he goes down. After all that bullshit, one bullet to the midsection? The guy falls off cliffs and sews his own wounds! That's it? Well, yes, that's it.

Except for one of the best "worst death performances ever" by Stallone. Slow motion with a close up. It's great. The close-up makes you think he's either going to bust out laughing or fall asleep "acting." Classic stuff!

I didn't know there was a soundtrack...
Isn't it the same tune throughout?
I didn't notice a love theme.

Steroid confusion... big or small? Barry or Brad?

2005-04-26T18:01:00.000-07:00

Below is an excerpt from an article in today's AP... I first heard about this on the Dan Patrick Show on ESPN radio (geeking it up baby, with promos). I guess I'm really confused about the whole steroid issue. I know there are different types, and that some are medically prescribed for illnesses like MS and arthritis. But I'm confused on whether it makes you look sexy and toned, or makes you hit a baseball farther, more often, and harder. Can you look like Brad Pitt and hit like Barry? Can you be as charming as Jose and as cultured as Angelina? Can these models hit 40 homers and steal 40 bases in one year?

Get your steroids here, cheaply! Notice the picture, and how it applies to young, lost souls. It's like an ad for Young Christian Dating, or STDs, or something.

("We're so hot because we use Barry's cream on our toned bodies... Jose's gives you acne.")

("Fuck you, I'm Barry Bonds.")

Here's a timeline of Jose Canseco's life in pictures...

("I'm a young, handsome Jose that's about to mature into a big shit! Steroids rock!")

("My career is starting to go to shit, so I'll flip you off to flex my intellect... I'm shy too."

("It's over... I'm promoting shitty movies, and I'm not the star. I think I'll write a book like a frustrated, retired Mafioso.")

("I should not have written that book... or driven 150mph with my gun.")

Girls are abusing steroids too — often to get that toned look

TRENTON, N.J. (AP) — An alarming number of American girls, some as young as 9, are using bodybuilding steroids — not necessarily to get an edge on the playing field, but to get the toned, sculpted look of models and movie stars, experts say.

Girls are getting their hands on the same dangerous testosterone pills, shots and creams that have created a scandal in major league baseball and other sports. Often, these are the same girls who have eating disorders, according to some research.

Lloyd Johnston, a University of Michigan professor who heads an annual government-sponsored survey on risky behavior by young people, said: "Other than pedophilia, this is the most secret behavior I've ever encountered."

Overall, up to about 5% of high school girls and 7% of middle-school girls admit trying anabolic steroids at least once, with use of rising steadily since 1991, various government and university studies have shown.

In teenage girls, the side effects from taking male sex hormones can include severe acne, smaller breasts, deeper voice, irregular periods, excess facial and body hair, depression, paranoia and the fits of anger dubbed "roid rage." Steroids also carry higher risks of heart attack, stroke and some forms of cancer.

"I'm hot... you want to look just like me. Take me now, wind."

"Amy, have you been hittin' the Twinkies again?"

Naked Twinkies... go eat some, for the love of God!

"Legolas, what do your elf eyes see?"...

2005-04-26T00:24:00.000-07:00

A big dork with a blog... great!... And...

Bad art...

Bad marketing...

And bad imitations...

Watching the film for class, and had to ask... someone please blind me.

Hot summers in 'Zona suck cuz of this guy!

2005-04-25T20:49:00.000-07:00

Gregor Samsa says "Don't bury me! I'm not dead!"

Adult American Cockroach on the prowl.
(photo HG Robertson, SA Museum)

I currently live in a very old building because it's downtown and I'm cool like that. Anyway, these "fuckin cockroaches"...

(I'm saying that like Scarface)

... like to climb out of their winter hideouts and invade my spot! I average about 4 -- no, 5-7 -- fuckers a month! And I choose to be incredibly sadistic and gas their ass with Raid, which only makes them go into convulsions and shit all over themselves (and when they're big, like Gregor, that's a lot of shit!)... I just nuked one in the kitchen... how's dinner coming? Mine's on hold...

Fire, alcohol, and ignorance don't mix!

2005-04-25T19:45:00.000-07:00

Hey kids! Next time you're out and thinking of having some flaming drink as a means of impressing someone (yes, sometimes yourself), watch the linked video and think twice... ouch! I'd run away from the fire too... except it's on me!
(This might be in slow motion the first time, but it should get faster... thank you decadent men of the west!)
Fire shot

Why do you hate me?

2005-04-25T17:33:00.000-07:00

Why?

As a young professor, I've always wondered why students seem incapable of saying "hello" outside the classroom. What am I, Satan holding two beers? Oh yeah, sure, I get the occasional, shy "hi" around campus, but rarely do I get the in-your-face "what's up? how do you like me now?" kind of greetings I used to get from high school students. High schoolers will yell across a crowded food-court at the mall during Christmas season if they think they see a teacher they like (I know, maybe they just don't like me... but I feel better ignoring this option and thinking there must be something wrong with them, so that's that). If I see you at the ballgame during "thirsty Thursday" (a Tucson, $1 beers pastime), or at the club getting my freak on, or even at the gym as I'm wailing on my pecs, you need to get off this and say "hi." I may not say hello back, but that's on me. You need to try and improve your already weak grade by pacifying my need for recognition and trying to get my attention. I'll be noticing even if I look aloof. And remember, these actions help your grade, even if I don't pass you... it's a better looking "F" nonetheless.

WTF? As American as... Marx?

2005-04-25T13:30:00.000-07:00

"Everywhere around the world
They're coming to America
Everytime that flags unfurled
They're coming to America
Got a dream to take them there
They're coming to America
Got a dream they come to share
They're coming to America
They're coming to America...
Today, today, today...
My country 'tis of thee, today
Sweet land of liberty, today
Of thee I sing, today
Of thee I sing, today..."

"America" by Neil Diamond (aka, the Jazz Singer)

This picture really confuses me. Is this modernist, in a 1930s, workers' uprising kind of way? Or is it more postmodernist, along the "end of history, Fukuyama" lines? Regardless, I dig. We need t-shirts of this, and we'll sell them at the Swap Meet. Go Huskies!

What's my fuckin name?!?!

2005-04-25T13:20:00.000-07:00

Everyone's daddy!

What's up now, huh?!?! You think I look pissed off, Mr. Photographer? Feeling froggy? Wait till I cash-out this cigar in your fuckin eyehole! And that still won't make it a phallic symbol because I say it isn't! You understand? I decide these things! You hear me?! I decide! And who gives a shit about Bataille?! I will tell you when it's phallic and when it's not! I'm about to get phallic on you, I'm such a hard-ass! Don't test me punk! Now, look away!

"Give us your poor," and we'll put them in prison... What?!

2005-04-25T12:04:00.000-07:00

US Prison Rate Soars Even Higher

(from BBC News, so I hope you're not in Minnesota... and I thought 'Zona was bad, yikes!)...

The US prison population has risen further, with one in 138 people now in jail, new official figures reveal. There are more than 2.1 million US citizens in jail - more than in any other country, the Bureau of Justice Statistics says.

The government says putting and keeping criminals in jail is working. Recent figures have shown violent crime and murder falling. But critics say less severe ways of approaching crime are being ignored.

The figures show the prison population increased by an estimated 48,452 people - 2.3% - in the year to 30 June 2004.

INCARCERATION RATES
US:726 people per 100,000
UK: 142
China: 118
France: 91
Japan: 58
Nigeria: 31
Source: Justice Policy Institute

It means the incarceration rate reached a record of 726 people per 100,000 residents.

The Justice Policy Institute, which advocates alternatives to prison, says it is the highest rate in the world - more than five times that in Britain, and 12 times that in Japan.

The prison population is swelling fastest in the state of Minnesota - up 13.2% over 12 months.

People from some social groups in the US are far more likely to end up in prison...

BBC NEWS

(Don't let them fool you... criminals from Minnesota, all of them! Up 13.2% in one year! What are you people doing over there? This "Transplant Game" sounds criminal... I'm in!)

______________________________________________________
Just who do we think we are kidding here? We all know that this great country can't function without a little sacrifice. I mean, haven't you seen the "America We Stand As One" video? It's all right there! If bad people want to keep doing bad shit, then God has no choice but to send them to prison. And as we all witnessed during the last election (consicous use of the word "witness" here), there is a disturbing increase in non-believers, and thus an increase in "bad things happening," thus the new, updated prison statistics. It's really all common sense. And great economic logic too (where do you think the new booming businesses are, huh? Prisons and guns, man! Halliburton, dude!).

(That's right!)

More prisons equal more jobs, and more jobs mean less crime, and less crime means more cops, and more cops must mean an increase in bad people (it's all about balance in this nation). So, keep sending us your poor, and we'll keep up with our "administration." We are always building new facilities, just in case...

"America We Stand As One" explained (kind of)

2005-04-25T02:17:00.000-07:00

The following is quoted text from Debbie Laskey's article in the Tolucan Times and Canyon Crier (this is the link to the entire article -- http://www.tolucantimes.com/columns090104/story1.html):

We have all had loved ones pass away and experienced overwhelming grief and sadness. A very special individual has turned those feelings into a precious gift. Dennis Madalone, a native of New Jersey and resident of Southern California, had a dream. His dream became a song, and now, sharing his song has become a mission shared by his wife Linda, family, old friends, and many, many new friends.

A few days after September 11, 2001, Dennis started singing words that provided comfort, words of beauty, words with passion, and most of all, words with universal appeal. The song, America We Stand as One, is an anthem in memory of all who passed away on that fateful September morning that forever changed our world. But the song quickly became more. It became a tribute to all lives sacrificed while serving in our armed services and it also became a tribute to everyone who has experienced the passing of loved ones, families and friends.

When Dennis first sang the song, the words just flowed. He started to cry, his dog, Honey Honey, started to howl, and then his wife, Linda, started to cry. Dennis knew immediately in his heart that he had been the instrument for this special message, and that the words of the song were words from heaven.

Here is the link to the site... click the video or audio link at the bottom of the page... and make sure to check out the "about" section, and flip that cd/dvd till you get dizzy! Considering the excess already circulating this enjoyable feast of contemporary consciousness-raising, I think I'll pass on sharing my critique of the ideological subtleties present in the video. They may be hard to find to the untrained eye, but trust me, they are there! Enjoy! http://www.americawestandasone.com/home.html

Have you emailed Jesus today?

2005-04-24T22:23:00.000-07:00

You think He has been busy, do you? You think He has no time because the Red Sox won the Series and that PROVES He doesn't listen to you?

(See what happens?!? They had to change the script you know...)
Well, now all that is about to change! Introducing Holy Email, where you too can email the Man Himself! Check out the link to His Saviorness (see "Links" or click here)! Debt? Divorce? Sickness? Can't get laid? Too much water and no wine? Well, now you can send your Christmas list to the All-Mighty Himself! Just click and complain about how your dreams have yet to come true! Tell JC about how you still live with your mother and bet the little money you have on the Bills every year since 1990. You should, however, check out the following legal disclaimer, or whatever type of warning this is, first: "Your email address will only be available to Jesus, and will be treated confidentially by Him. It will not be retained in any database or mailing list, and you will not receive any reply or other emails unless you ask a question of Jesus, or otherwise specifically request a reply. Jesus does not spam." Wow! No spam! What are you waiting for?!?

My first

2005-04-24T16:23:00.000-07:00

This is my first post and I'd like to thank "Allthingschristie" and "BlaggBlogg" for inspiring my downfall into virtual exhibitionism... but it's just that they're so cool that I wanted to share in their coolness (and I can always wash with soap and water afterwards if I don't like it)... It's all downhill from here!!... Oh god, look away, just look away!

This is the Angel of History, and he/she/it says: "Help! It's all going to shit!"